Tales from the loo

My mother has banned my daughter from using her upstairs toilet to poo in.

Before you brand my poor mother with a very nasty name, let me explain.

In our house, 3-ply toilet paper is not my friend.

If you have (or ever had) a 7-year-old daughter, you may know what I’m talking about: excessive use of loo roll. Because of this, I have a plunger within arms reach of nearly every throne in the house.

Side note: did you know that there is a right and wrong type of plunger for the toilet? We learned the hard way, but this is what you need:

But I digress.

We go through such massive quantities of Quilted Northern that I really should own stock in the company, or at least get a key to the executive bathrooms (because I bet they flush just fine). The first time I saw my lovely girl wrap toilet paper around her hand like a boxer preparing for a title fight – I was speechless. Even with her petite mitts, that is a LOT of paper.

Sheryl Crow would be SOOOOO disappointed with her.

Needless to say, overflow is not an unheard of occurrence in my house. Not long ago, we heard a faint, panicked “Mommy…HELLLLLP” coming from…somewhere in the house. As Pea repeatedly yelled “Help” (with no reply to the “Where ARE you?” I was shouting as I ran like a madwoman all over the house, fearing the worst) I discovered her in the basement powder room, yelping “It’s flooding! I kept the door closed so it wouldn’t get out!” (thoughtful enough, as the carpeting outside the bath was only a week old). On that occasion, I did try a plumber rather than my trusty plunger. There was no way I could have fixed that nightmare!

While her quick thinking DID keep the waters from flooding out through the bathroom door, she wouldn’t have realized that, with baseboards not yet replaced from the water damage the basement recently suffered (rain, not loo water), all that water just rolled right under the adjoining wall and covered the floor of the dank storage room behind. I’m sure you can imagine my delight. It was time to quickly get in touch with a company like https://www.servicemasterbyzaba.com/ for water damage restoration services again! Delightful indeed.

So back to my mother. As the guest room toilet isn’t frequently used, there is concern that a backup could seep through the floor and damage the sitting room seating. For safety, Pea is really only supposed to use the main floor bathrooms for #2. (I don’t think my mother quite realizes that she uses just about the same excessive quantity for #1.) I’ve been told another friend’s mother doesn’t let her 7-year-old grandchildren put any toilet paper IN the toilet at all due to the quantities they use, so I don’t know if this is a girl thing (I don’t remember back that far) or just a FUSSY girl thing.

It’s a little disheartening, really. Pre-motherhood, I was responsible for millions of dollars in the hedge fund world (at least at month end).

Now, the priority of the day is searching for thinner toilet roll that is not scratchy.

I just don’t even know what to say to that.

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