Fear of Commitment, Indecision, and #The100DayProject

“If only I had more time, I could finish this book…”

Lies. Lies. Lies.

The reality of the situation is that I have plenty of time.

What I don’t have, on the other hand, is plenty of concentration. I also have a bit* of anxiety and a hell of a lot of fear of failure. Also, I’m awful at decision making and because of all of the above, I have serious commitment issues.

*meaning "shit ton"

This generally makes a poor combination for success. It definitely leads to failure to start.

Which brings me to the #The100Day Project. It’s a simple thing, really – complete 100 days of anything creative. Sketches. Watercolors. Illustrations. Dancing. Poems from found words. Knitting. ANYTHING.

The #The100DayProject teaser image

You may also have noticed that this wonderful project began yesterday.

*sighs*

And yet, I haven’t decided what to do.

When I die, it will likely have been the result of indecision rather than natural causes.

This will be the third year of my attempting this project. Hopefully, this will be the first year of my completing the project, because I have a predictable pattern for things like this. I start late (because of commitment issues), I chug along, maybe missing a day here or there, then making up the missing days.

BUT…something happens, and I get behind. And in my panic of getting behind, I freeze. And get more behind. Then I beat myself up a bit, try to catch up, have a good go for a few more days, and get hit with something else that detours me.

And then I go completely off the rails and give up on myself in disgust.

Y’all, I’m tired of quitting on myself.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday who also couldn’t decide (but ultimately, she DID decide, and then she settled down and knocked her first day out.) We talked about the benefits of having some constraints so you don’t half-ass it, or, as in my case, freeze in indecision.

My friends, I’m as frozen as that mystery meat in Tupperware in the back of your freezer.

My options:
– 100 days of quick watercolors based on places I’ve been. (very specific)
– 100 days of quick sketches just to get my hand in, no pressure. I could add a watercolor wash if I wanted.
– 100 days of drawing (which encompasses more than just a quick sketch but does that actually include watercolors? And is this too broad?)

My brain is starting to hurt…

They all sound kind of the same, right? Do you see the problem?

Fear of making the wrong decision, fear of failure, fear of commitment because it will lead to making the wrong decision and THEN failing.

In case anyone wonders why I’m a bundle of nerves and awkward as hell, this might explain A LOT.

ANYWHO.

It’s go time. (Actually, yesterday was go-time.)

I made myself go back to the #The100DayProject website, which reiterates that there ARE no rules. It is what you make it. And if I find that I can’t follow through, I can change things up, because it’s MY project.

And the truth is, my soul needs this. It needs to escape my left brain which makes me crazy overthinking everything (including this project) and spend some time in my wacky right brain that has so many ideas that I can’t sort through them.

So this year, I’m once again doing #100daysofillustrations. They might be in pen, they might be in pencil (thanks to my newfound addiction to Blackwing pencils), they might have watercolor, they might be on my iPad.

I’m just drawing.

And this year, I’m going to cut myself some slack, and learn to give myself the grace that I extend to everyone else around me. My sad, neglected Instagram account for the project is @jennab_draws and I hope to bring it back to life this year.

#the100dayproject participation badge

Interested in taking part in #The100DayProject too?

Click here to get all the details, and if you are participating, drop your Instagram handle in the comments so I can follow you!

I talked more about losing my inner artist in response to a book club prompt. For more on that and a link to the book that inspired the prompt (Marie-Helene Bertino’s 2 A.M. At The Cat’s Pajamas), you can check it out here.

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