In Absentia (or, Why There Are No Recent Posts)

You may have the blog has been operating in absentia, and it’s time to face up to certain realities.

I’ve been in the middle of an existential crisis.

Simply enough,  I have been struggling to write. Nothing feels meaningful enough to justify tapping the “publish button”. I grasp for substance. The right words slip out of reach. I stretch, try to hold onto them, bite down on them like the proverbial apple bobbing in the bucket, but end up mostly with a wet face and water up my nose, gasping for air. Metaphorically, of course.

I’ll be honest – my blog is meant to be a generally happy place. Contemplative, silly, reflective, goofy, helpful – but not political. And this post is not about politics, specifically, so don’t go running away just yet.

There is enough shouting into a well these days, and my head says that there are so many people saying what I want to say far better than I have in draft form, so I leave it to them. Politics is not what I do – even though, yes, absolutely I have opinions, concerns, anger and fear.  On the flip side, I struggle with the idea of posting a recipe or a craft, or telling a silly story and merely contributing to the noise on the internet because there is something IMPORTANT going on. This isn’t a judgement against other bloggers AT ALL, by the way – this is me not having my heart in the game.

I simply felt overwhelmed and lost. My thoughts have been jumbled, fighting to come to the top, every attempt to write a debacle, and good grief, NO ONE ever needs to see the pile of crap I’ve drafted in January. I could fertilize a field with it.

But then I read this post by the amazing Amanda Hill (and after reading this post you need to hop over to her blog Hill + Pen because seriously, I want to be her when I grow up. She is funny and inspirational and is magical with words):

We can’t control evil, violence, sadness, despair. It happens despite our best efforts to avoid it.

I think God planted humor inside of our hearts as a defense shield. A mechanism about which we can somehow process it all and continue living. It’s how we can reach down deep and deal. We laugh. On varying levels we can find angles in things, angles of light reflecting. Angles that make our faces look slanted and our eyes look like bugs. Angles that make us spit out our coffee.

And suddenly you realize: I can go on. Also? I look pretty damn hot with bug eyes.

Find something today that makes you laugh. Build up a shield. We have a long road ahead. You have to get your battle armor on.

-Amanda Hill

It forced me to recall the original purpose the blog as well as the reasoning for the (possibly poorly chosen) name. I started this whole big mess because I needed to laugh at the chaos and difficulty that I was experiencing as a new mother – if I didn’t find a way to laugh at it all, I’d cry or go crazy. I was, for a while there, literally on the rocks, worried about failing and trying to hold it all together. Writing helped me keep the world in perspective.

In not writing, I wasn’t dealing with my crazy. And lets face it: if we are looking for the negative, we only see the negative and all the good in the world slips past us. We need to open our eyes and make sure that we are seeing the bright and the beautiful right in front of us (even if we are preparing for a fight.)

And mostly, we need to be kind to each other.

So I’ve started journaling again to clear my head, and hopefully clearer thoughts will emerge when its time to sit down at the laptop and write.  Will I still do sponsored posts? Yes, because girl has hosting fees to pay. But will they better reflect me, my writing and my purpose? It’s my goal.

I will try my best for this to remain a neutral zone for all because, in the midst of all the crazy that our world is today, life does go on. We get up every morning, organize our day, drink too much coffee and leave the wet clothes in the dryer too long. (Fine, that’s just me.)

And while I’m doing it, I will keep looking at all the angles, build my shield, and hopefully, to mangle Amanda’s words, make you spit out some coffee.

 

Comments

  1. I totally understand where you’re coming from, it’s the same reasons why I’ve been in two minds about posting in the last month or so.
    I’m so glad you’ve decided to keep journalling and that you’ve found your reasons again!

    • It’s been brutal, and talking with a few other writers I was a bit relieved, honestly, to learn I wasn’t alone.
      We don’t need any more nasty.
      We need truth. And kindness.
      And really, we need a whole lot of self-care.

      I appreciate your comment!!!

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